Meaningful choices

Which way to go...

These last few weeks seen a bunch of soul searching from me. Its been a very hectic time. My daughter Liva has been sick with a stomach problem resulting in her being in the hospital on several occasions. We have the feeling that she is getting better now, but of course my wife then went and got H1N1 which lasted for about a week (and for some magical reason my immune system apparently kicked into gear and i didn’t get it). While dealing with all of this I’ve also had to work on a game for a university project, and a game theory paper. So to say the least, things have been very busy. However during all of this i have been doing a lot of soul searching.

As some of you know i left my job at Unity Technologies during the summer, to carry on with my masters degree. Its been an absolute blast studying game design at the IT University in Copenhagen, and its really opened my eyes to a couple of things. One of these things is that i have no idea in what career i actually want to end up! I’ve always had the idea that i wanted to be a game designer, and i still enjoy designing games. However what we want, and what we have talent for are not always the same thing. So even though i am not saying that i don’t have game design talent, i am sure that there’s some people out there with a lot more skill than me. Then there’s another thing. This last year i have been thinking a lot about my life, my dreams, and my wishes for the future (that type of thing happens when you get a kid….trust me.). And one thing has become very clear to me. I feel the best when i can be in control of my own work, decide what i want to focus on, and more specifically – i love reading and writing (about games).

All of these thoughts have led me absolute no where yet. I am trying to figure out where i want to go next. Do i want to give it a go and try my best at becoming a “real” game designer – going through the motions at a AAA company by starting in a junior position, working my ass off, and then perhaps some day actually have a say about the awesome (and it will be awesome) game we are making? Or do i want to focus on my writing, on researching and thinking about games but be poorer and unknown but probably more content with life because of it? Again its a very difficult decision.

To complicate things i am now in a position where i can actually apply for a phd. scholarship as part of my finishing masters degree. It would mean 3 years of hard academic research, writing, and studying…but only if i could actually make the cut. I believe that there’s about 400 applicants and 3 positions available – you see the problem.

Anyway, this post was not about coming to any sort of conclusion. But i just wanted to throw this out there. Perhaps someone has been in the same situation, or perhaps someone can share some wisdom. No matter what, my brain grumbles on…